Limerick of the Day, Jan 28, 2012

And then there's this fellow called Newt,
Whose own horn he continues to tewt.
When I hear his ex-wives
Discussing their lives,
I say, "God! What a phony old cewt!"

Limericks--Year End Re-cap, 2011

There once was a mean old assessor,

Whose freezer required a compressor.

He petitioned his God,

And though this may seem odd,

He appealed to Saint James the Lesser.

Still he prayed to his Lord and Creator,

And then also to Saint James the Greater.

For he’d got no compressor

From Saint James the Lesser,

So to him he would no longer cater.

If he really would like that compressor,

Then forget about Saint James the Lesser.

Never waste any hymns

On the lesser of Jims.

Just petition St. Ed the Confessor.

There once was a linguist named Cindy

Who spoke both Bengali and Hindi,

With fluency such

That she spoke them too much,

And was generally thought a bit windy.

Our posts are, alas, evanescent,

Whether written by poet or peasant.

If we post a new tune

In the full of the moon,

It’s erased e’er the light of the crescent.

Had Xerxes invented the zerk,

Grease would never have been so much work.

But ‘twas Greece and not grease,

That disturbed the man’s peace.

Oh well—He was still such a jerk.

When battling Custer, the Sioux

Attacked with their whole retinioux.

But when the Lakota

Had slaughtered their quota,

They didn’t quite know what to dioux.

If you’re feeling a touch of catarrh,

Try spending less time at the barrh.

A bit of the sauce

Makes you feel like the bauce,

But you’re better off just as you arrh.

A restaurant owned by Ann Dewey,

Sold Cajun food in Saint Lewey.

But Ann Dewey’s Andouille

Was tasteless and chouille.

Her business went busted—Aw fewey!

A spelling like “rhythm” or “rhyme,”

Confuses us thyme after thyme.

But with spellings like “rhythm,”

You’re against ‘em or whythm.

Ridiculous—yet so sublhyme.

To keep away colds, I use zinc.

It’s pretty effective, I thinc.

It’s good for the flu,

And I think it might du,

To keep away badgers and minc.

The Eighteenth Amendment banned booze,

Along with our own right to choose.

But people soon clamored

For ways to get hammered,

On any foul thing they could use.

This created a market demand,

And gangsters were quick to expand.

Any war against drugs

Gives openings to thugs,

Who soon take control of our land.

The “robbery attempt” by Paul Ryan

(Well, you can’t blame the fellow for tryin’)

Would transfer our wealth

To purveyors of “health.”

If Paul tells you different—He’s lyin’.

Lightly stirring some gin and vermouth

Makes a drink that’s exceedingly couth.

(Unlike boiler makers,

And drinks made in shakers,

And things that they’d drink in Duluth.)

A muscular fellow from Gratz,

Who had for his staffer, “the hots,”

Behaved rather wild,

And now has a child,

But suffered the loss of his shatz

A lady renowned for her vanity,

Which she drove to the point of insanity,

Used oceans of potions,

And various lotions,

But still had the skin of a manatee.

Another experience with gout.

It makes a man want to “check out.”

From dawn until dusk,

This frail human husk,

Give ever more reason to pout.

This time, it isn’t my toe,

Which causes such grief and such woe,

But my lower right thumb.

(I wish it were numb.)

Nor can it be moved to and fro.

There once was an amiable yokel,

Whose speech was entirely vocal.

This may sound like hyperbole,

But he only spoke verbally,

And his accent was markedly local.

A Japanese monster, Godzilla,

Ate ice cream—but mostly vanilla.

Not so bold or so spunky,

To try chunky-monkey,

He relished the chunky gorilla.

But the monster’s first cousin, Daiichi,

Had some flavors a little less peachy.

We’ll be eating that dust;

(California or bust!)

In time, the long isotopes reach ye.

Prince Rupert just barely protested,

As his flunkies were being arrested.

They hacked all the phones,

And bribed all the drones.

Even Scotland Yard was infested.

If you’re buying a Patek-Phillippe,

Don’t expect it to be very chippe.

If you drop down a notch

In your choice of a wotch,

You’ll find prices a little less stippe.

To learn the conventions of spelling,

(For reasons both grave and compelling,)

Can drive a man daft,

With vowels fore and aft,

And reduce us to mumbling and yelling.

The plural of spouse may be spice,

But perhaps you should stop and think twice,

And consider how Cain

Just trashed his campaign,

Before you try rolling the dice.

Limerick of the Day, Dec 1

Politicians Take Note:

The plural of spouse may be spice,
But perhaps you should stop and think twice,
And consider how Cain
Just trashed his campaign,
Before you try rolling the dice.

Limerick of the Day, July 19

Prince Rupert just barely protested
As his flunkies were being arrested.
They hacked all the phones,
And bribed all the drones.
Even Scotland Yard was infested.

Limerick of the Day, July 14

If you're buying a Patek-Phillippe,
Don't expect it to be very chippe.
If you drop down a notch
In your choice of a wotch,
You'll find prices a little less stippe.

P.S:   Happy Bastille Day!

Limerick of the Day, Jun 8

There once was an amiable yokel,
whose speech was entirely vocal.
This may sound like hyperbole,
But he spoke only verbally,
And his accent was markedly local.

Daiichi limericks, June 2

A Japanese monster, Godzilla,
Ate ice cream, but mostly vanilla.
Not so bold or so spunky
To try chunky-monkey,
He still relished the chunky-gorilla.

But the monster's first cousin, Daiichi,
Has some flavors a little less peachy.
We'll be eating that dust,
"California or Bust,"
Over time, the long isotopes reach ye.

Limerick of the Day, May 27

There was a young belle from old Natchez
Whose garments were always in patches.
When comment arose
On the state of her clothes,
She replied, "When Ah itches, Ah scratches."

                               .......Anonymous

Limerick of the Day, May 20

Lightly stirring some gin and vermouth
Makes a drink that's exceedingly couth.
(Unlike boiler makers,
And drinks made in shakers,
And things that they'd drink in Duluth.)

Limerick of the Day, May 17

A muscular fellow from Gratz,
Who had for his staffer "the hots,"
Behaved rather wild,
And now has a child,
But suffered the loss of his shatz.

Limerick of the Day, May 16

A lady renowned for her vanity,
Which she drove to the point of insanity,
Used oceans of potions,
And various lotions,
But still had the skin of a manatee.

Limerick of St James.

There once was a mean old assessor
Whose freezer required a compressor.
He petitioned his God,
And though this may seem odd,
He appealed to Saint James the Lesser.

Still he prayed to his Lord and Creator,
And then also to Saint James the Greater.
For he'd got no compressor
From Saint James the Lesser,
So to him he would no longer cater.

If he really would like that compressor,
Then forget about Saint James the Lesser.
Never waste any hymns
On the lesser of Jims.
Just petition Saint Ed the Confessor.

Limerick Lessons of History

The Eighteenth Amendment banned booze,

Along with our own right to choose.

But people soon clamored

For ways to get hammered

On any foul thing they could use.

This created a market demand,

And gangsters were quick to expand.

Any war against drugs

Gives openings to thugs,

Who soon take control of our land.

limerick of the Day, Feb 23

Our posts are, alas, evanescent,
Whether writings of poet or peasant.
If you post a new tune
In the full of the moon,
It's erased ere the light of the crescent.

Sight Rhyme Limerick, Feb 11

A spelling like "rhythm" or "rhyme"
Confuses us thyme after thyme.
But spellings like "rhythm;"
You're against 'em or whythm.
Ridiculous--yet so sublhyme.

Sight Rhyme Limerick, Feb 5

When battling Custer, the Sioux
Attacked with their whole retinioux.
But once the Lakota
Had slaughtered their quota,
They didn't quite know what to dioux.

Sight Rhyme Limerick, Feb 4

A restaurant owned by Ann Dewey
Sold Cajun food in Saint Lewey.
But Ann Dewey's andouille
Was tasteless and chouille.
Her business went busted--aw fewey.

Sight Rhyme Limerick, Feb 3

If you're feeling a touch of catarrh,
Try spending less time at the barrh.
A bit of the sauce
Makes you feel like the bauce,
But you're better off just as you arrh.

Limerick of the Day, Jan 23

There once was a linguist named Cindi
Who spoke both Bengali and Hindi,
With fluency such
That she spoke them too much,
And was generally thought a bit windy.

limerick of the day, Jan 17

I'm a patriot, sir, through and through.
I stand for the red, white, and blough.
But if some monkey hollers
About "saving tax dollers,"
Let's return the poor beast to the zough.