There once was a mean old assessor,
Whose freezer required a compressor.
He petitioned his God,
And though this may seem odd,
He appealed to Saint James the Lesser.
Still he prayed to his Lord and Creator,
And then also to Saint James the Greater.
For he’d got no compressor
From Saint James the Lesser,
So to him he would no longer cater.
If he really would like that compressor,
Then forget about Saint James the Lesser.
Never waste any hymns
On the lesser of Jims.
Just petition St. Ed the Confessor.
There once was a linguist named Cindy
Who spoke both Bengali and Hindi,
With fluency such
That she spoke them too much,
And was generally thought a bit windy.
Our posts are, alas, evanescent,
Whether written by poet or peasant.
If we post a new tune
In the full of the moon,
It’s erased e’er the light of the crescent.
Had Xerxes invented the zerk,
Grease would never have been so much work.
But ‘twas Greece and not grease,
That disturbed the man’s peace.
Oh well—He was still such a jerk.
When battling Custer, the Sioux
Attacked with their whole retinioux.
But when the Lakota
Had slaughtered their quota,
They didn’t quite know what to dioux.
If you’re feeling a touch of catarrh,
Try spending less time at the barrh.
A bit of the sauce
Makes you feel like the bauce,
But you’re better off just as you arrh.
A restaurant owned by Ann Dewey,
Sold Cajun food in Saint Lewey.
But Ann Dewey’s Andouille
Was tasteless and chouille.
Her business went busted—Aw fewey!
A spelling like “rhythm” or “rhyme,”
Confuses us thyme after thyme.
But with spellings like “rhythm,”
You’re against ‘em or whythm.
Ridiculous—yet so sublhyme.
To keep away colds, I use zinc.
It’s pretty effective, I thinc.
It’s good for the flu,
And I think it might du,
To keep away badgers and minc.
The Eighteenth Amendment banned booze,
Along with our own right to choose.
But people soon clamored
For ways to get hammered,
On any foul thing they could use.
This created a market demand,
And gangsters were quick to expand.
Any war against drugs
Gives openings to thugs,
Who soon take control of our land.
The “robbery attempt” by Paul Ryan
(Well, you can’t blame the fellow for tryin’)
Would transfer our wealth
To purveyors of “health.”
If Paul tells you different—He’s lyin’.
Lightly stirring some gin and vermouth
Makes a drink that’s exceedingly couth.
(Unlike boiler makers,
And drinks made in shakers,
And things that they’d drink in Duluth.)
A muscular fellow from Gratz,
Who had for his staffer, “the hots,”
Behaved rather wild,
And now has a child,
But suffered the loss of his shatz
A lady renowned for her vanity,
Which she drove to the point of insanity,
Used oceans of potions,
And various lotions,
But still had the skin of a manatee.
Another experience with gout.
It makes a man want to “check out.”
From dawn until dusk,
This frail human husk,
Give ever more reason to pout.
This time, it isn’t my toe,
Which causes such grief and such woe,
But my lower right thumb.
(I wish it were numb.)
Nor can it be moved to and fro.
There once was an amiable yokel,
Whose speech was entirely vocal.
This may sound like hyperbole,
But he only spoke verbally,
And his accent was markedly local.
A Japanese monster, Godzilla,
Ate ice cream—but mostly vanilla.
Not so bold or so spunky,
To try chunky-monkey,
He relished the chunky gorilla.
But the monster’s first cousin, Daiichi,
Had some flavors a little less peachy.
We’ll be eating that dust;
(California or bust!)
In time, the long isotopes reach ye.
Prince Rupert just barely protested,
As his flunkies were being arrested.
They hacked all the phones,
And bribed all the drones.
Even Scotland Yard was infested.
If you’re buying a Patek-Phillippe,
Don’t expect it to be very chippe.
If you drop down a notch
In your choice of a wotch,
You’ll find prices a little less stippe.
To learn the conventions of spelling,
(For reasons both grave and compelling,)
Can drive a man daft,
With vowels fore and aft,
And reduce us to mumbling and yelling.
The plural of spouse may be spice,
But perhaps you should stop and think twice,
And consider how Cain
Just trashed his campaign,
Before you try rolling the dice.
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